I'm Lost but I'm Making Good Time

I’m working on submitting the research proposal for a Master’s Degree. I’m so early on, I’m confident I have no idea what’s happening. The feeling reminds me of the first time I was placed at the front of a classroom of kids and was expected to teach them English; I looked over to the prac supervisor and was like, ‘me? you want me to teach them?’ and she was like, duh. I understand that this is common when starting something new, imposter syndrome they call it, and the advice it to just go for it. ‘You know your stuff, don’t worry,’ the prac teacher said, ‘if you didn’t, I wouldn’t let you teach.’ But here I am again, feeling just the same, trying to piece together a research proposal that makes it seem like I know more than I really do.

I need to remind myself that the feedback I’ve received so far has been wonderful. It seems like, if anything, I’ve been too keen to prove myself and written and researched way more than I needed to; but, if that’s true, I can’t help but wonder how anyone else puts together a clear vision of their research into the proposal. Even though I’ve been working on my topic for months already, it still feels like I’m peering into a kaleidoscope, trying to pin down the shape of the thesis, then having it swirl and twist out of shape. I’ve gone through a few drafts and haven’t gotten a grip of it yet, like fumbling over a piece of soap you dropped in the shower that you just bloody can’t keep a hold of. I can’t help but wish I was on the other end, standing up with the soap and laughing about how stupid I was, that in retrospect it was so simple.

So, what does any overthinking, wanabe writer do? research. I’ve been reading through Destination Dissertation, which reframes the thesis process through a travel metaphor, which is just so dorky I love it. In it, they stress that creating a good research question and process makes the rest possible. Going with the travel metaphor, it's like creating a map of where you want to go. If you don't, and you try to draft out your thesis with a bad plan, you might write thousands of words, then discover you've taken a wrong turn, and have to go back and cover that distance again. This makes sense and is a reminder that struggling over these beginning stages (when all I want to do is dig into it) is worth the effort. You have to have a map before you leave.

This isn't my research proposal. That will, of course, go to my supervisors. But just as an atlas has zoomed in maps of towns so you can navigate local roads, so does my plan have zoomed out maps of cities, states and countries. Here’s my attempt at that map. Again, I have no idea where the journey will take me. What if there aren’t roadworks and I have to take another route? what if it storms, and I have to pull over for a bit? Who knows, but here’s what I’m thinking, from the big picture to the details.

Long Term Goal Roadmap

Master of Philosophy (Big Picture)

Master of Philosophy Thesis Roadmap

According to this roadmap, the thesis will take me roughly 400-600 hours. This seems about right, as in Destination Diseration they state that a phd (double the length of a masters) will take about 1,100 hours.

If I assume it will take me 500 hours to finish, and I work 2 hours every day, that’s 9 months to finish. I’ve estimated 2 hours every day because I’m assuming there will be days I don’t do it at all, and others I’ll work on it for hours on end, so a rough, plausible average. This time span also assumes that there'll be no wrong turns along the path, which is unlikely, but I’ll have months spare in case of that.

From these maps, it is easy to see how everything fits together. Because my passions are education and writing, joining these together by working in a writing course seems like a no-brainer. And as it turns out, a post-graduate course has you produce a section of a novel with the guidance of experts, so by the time I’m finished my post-graduate course, I’ll have achieved both of my long-term goals. I can’t get ahead of myself, though! I can’t daydream about the destination while I’m on the road, I might miss a turn or crash. Who knows?